Stitches

It was almost exactly a year ago that I started having a nervous breakdown.  Why? I found out I was having a second child.  Let me tell you that even before I took that pregnancy test, I knew it was going to be a girl.  I had flashbacks to my entire childhood of my older brother torturing me and just wept at what lay in store for me and my kids.  I felt bad for Thomas because he was going to completely lose any one on one time he might have had with me due to this new addition. I felt awful for this new baby because if Thomas was going to be anything like my brother, her life would be full of torment and teasing.  Every time people find out how close in age my two little ones are, they all say the same thing, "Oh how great that they can grow up and be so close!" I always agree, but on the inside I roll my eyes and think, yeah because my brother and I are so close I'm sure it'll be JUST like that.

This week, I finally got a glimpse of what everyone might be talking about.  Friday  morning, Thomas and Iris were playing together.  Iris (who is not 100% stable with her walking) tripped over her own feet and smacked her forehead on the leg of my coffee table.  I was about two feet away so I scooped her up in absolutely no time, but already there was blood everywhere.  Calmly I tried to clean her up and sooth her so that she'd stop crying long enough for me to determine how bad the cut was.  None of my soothing worked.  You know what got my screaming one-year-old to stop? Her brother, standing over my shoulder, making goofy faces at her.  In absolutely no time she was giggling and squirming out of my arms because she had a mission to get back to playing with Thomas. 

It wasn't long before I realized that regardless of her cheerful demeanor, she really needed to get that gash stitched up.  As I sat in the urgent care waiting room, what is my child with the gaping head wound doing? Chasing after her brother who pleads across the entire building, "'mon Iris, 'mon!" The two were inseparable.  I don't really ever want to have to go to urgent care again, but I will say that having the two of them play with each other and laugh like that made the whole experience almost fun.

Iris got her stitches and they both got Popsicles.  Thomas even made sure to thank Iris for the Popsicle as if he knew she was the reason he got to get a treat that day. 

The rest of the day was amazing.  The two of them played and laughed together.  Thomas kept making sure he gave her kisses on her boo-boo.  You can even tell the difference in Iris as to when Thomas is there and when he's not. The photo on the left, Thomas was taking a nap.  The photo on the right, Thomas was once again standing behind me trying desperately to get his baby sister to laugh. 

So, while I wish we could've avoided stitches for a few more years at least, I am so glad that this week showed me how great having two kids really can be and how much fun is in store for the next many years!

Why I've been MIA

I know it's been a while since I've blogged, been on twitter, or really done anything at all, so I figured I'd give an explanation as to why. Off and on since I was 14, I've had times where I have battled with depression (I've never fully understood that expression.  If it's a battle, I need to sign up for combat training). Anyway, one of the reasons why I work so hard to try and find the positives in life is that my natural tendency is to let life bring me down so badly that I'm often suicidal.  That's really not easy for me to admit.  However, this is what I've learned about my mental stability over the last few weeks.  I don't have to be strong on my own.  The reason I've been absent from the computer is because I've made sure I've filled my time with friends.  Real people who I can interact with. 
They're why I've survived the past month.  I'm finally being honest with these friends.  I'm no longer wearing the mask that says I'm ok while quietly going crazy on the inside.  Honestly, I've been terrified all my adult life that if people knew what I was really thinking, I would lose friends.  The most amazing thing about the friends I have: I have gotten better support than I could've even begun to dream of.  Not one of them treated me like I needed to go on meds or see a therapist.  They treated me exactly as they always have (mostly with making fun of me, drinking a few beers and laughing at ridiculous things in all of our lives).
I can't say that I'm 100% better, but I'm working with my doctor now to try and find a solution so that I'm not feeling like I'm going to crack any more. I know things are on their way up, and while I still have bad days they are getting farther and farther apart.  So for my wonderful friends (and you know who you are) thanks for keeping me sane, thanks for being you, and thanks for helping me find my way back.

Best Christmas Ever

Ok, so I could write this week about how my dad is a complete asshole.  I could write about how Matt and I had one of the scariest fights of my life.  I could write about how my job is slowly sucking the life (and my money) out of me. However, that would not be about how this is the best week ever, so I will avoid all those topics until I can reflect on them with something good to say.  Instead, I will tell you how this is the best Christmas ever.
Here are my Christmas plans: nothing. I bought no presents for my kids, so I have no wrapping to do.  The three (yes, only 3 items purchased for all of my Christmas shopping to be complete) items I did purchase were bought online and shipped directly to the recipients.  None of whom I have to see for the holiday! I have no cooking to do, because we're not having a Christmas dinner.  The only thing I have to do all day on Christmas is go to my in-law's house for 2 hours for my kids to get their presents from Grandma and Grandpa.  I have never been so excited for Christmas ever. 
Please don't think I'm a big Grinch or anything.  It's just that Christmas has been a horrible holiday for me for years.  I won't depress anyone with lengthy stories of all the horrendous holiday disasters, but let me just say that last year I was on suicide watch for my mom and that was one of the better Christmases. 
So, as everyone is running around seeing family, cooking dinner, stressing about everything, please take a moment to be jealous of me, sitting in my pjs, drinking a bottle of wine and doing nothing.  Merry Christmas all!

Cutting back on my responisbilities

For the past year, I've had three jobs. I am a mom, I work at a daycare, and I run a mommy group.  There was a time when I enjoyed all three, but lately it's all just been too much.  The daycare has become increasingly frustrating (more on that next week), and quite frankly the mommy group has become unbearable.  Do you know what it's like to try to organize 30 women and keep them all happy? I feel like the past several months have been nothing but listening to complaints, mediating fights, and putting up with just plain bitchiness.  Don't get me wrong, I love the moms in my group.  They are an amazing group of women.  However, when I signed up to run the mom's group, I didn't realize that I would become all of these women's mom.
So a week ago I made a fabulous decision.  I gave up my duties as mommy organizer.  I didn't leave the group.  I'm just no longer in charge.  I was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to give up control, however I am very happy to say that I am fully embracing my duty-free role in the group. I have received countless emails and phone calls requesting help or answers to questions.  I haven't helped or replied to any.  And I am loving it! A great stress has been lifted from my life and I am finally starting to feel like I can breathe again.
This is the best week ever because rather than writing schedules, managing money, checking attendance, responding to emails, and listening to everyone else's problems, I sat on my couch and did nothing but watch episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I am LOVING life.

Driving lessons

Let me preface this by saying that when I started blogging, it was my intention to stay away from two topics because they are often hot button issues for me: my father and my faith.  I will now steer headfirst into both.

Growing up, my family was what you would probably consider the typical Christian family.  Well, maybe more than that.  My dad was a pastor when I was born, but left the ministry by the time I was five.  So, needless to say, I had a bit of a better understanding of Christianity than the typical Sunday church goer.  However, as I grew up, I took the teachings of my parents and developed my own faith.  I read, took classes and made my own decisions.  While I won't go off on that diatribe now, the people who have heard it will mostly tell you that my faith is not of that of a typical Christian though still falls in line with the basic teachings of the Bible. 

Recently, my father went bat-shit crazy.  That is quite possibly the nicest way to put it.  He has left his marriage of 35 years.  He has disowned his son.  He is living with some new family.  He refuses to speak to any of his brothers.  I could go on and on about the out of character things my father has done, but perhaps I'll save that for another blog.  I think the one thing that has affected me the most is the fact that he now says he is agnostic. Most people don't understand why THIS is the factor I'm concentrating on.  I've tried to come up with an analogy so that perhaps I can give clarity as to why his loss of faith has been one of the biggest life changers for me:

Most kids learn how to drive from their parents.  They teach the rules of the road plus general driving techniques.  As you grow as a driver, you get comfortable with the way the road feels and learn to make choices of your own until they way you drive, while based in your parents' teaching, is your own driving. Now imagine that you've been driving for at least 20 years and your instructor comes to you and laughs in your face about the way you drive.  They tell you that the way they taught you was completely wrong.  This is a person whose opinion you respect (or once did).  This is a person who you thought was steering you down the right path.   Now they tell you that blinkers are, in fact, optional? That passing on the left is only for suckers?

I know the analogy isn't perfect, but last night while on the phone with my father, he literally laughed at my faith.  The faith that he instilled in me. Have I been driving on my own without a crash for quite some time? Absolutely.  Do I still feel shaken by that fact that somehow this man who explained to me how the clutch worked and why it was important is now telling me to grind the gears? Umm, yeah!

I still have my faith.  I love my faith. It is, and will forever be, a part of who I am. However, I feel just a tad tainted by the idea that the founder of my faith is now dropping cones hoping I crash.

The Great Wedding

My brother-in-law got married this weekend! Since no one reading this knows Chris, let me fill you in on the fact that this is a BIG deal.  This is the brother who literally got goosebumps anytime someone would say the word commitment around him.  I am so happy for him and his new wife, MyLe.  But enough about them... let me tell you my side of the story.

We were supposed to leave for California on Thursday morning.  Wednesday night, Thomas and Iris' pink eye came back.  My mom, who would be watching the kids for the weekend wasn't worried about it, but I had no one to watch them during the day on Thursday as they could no longer go to school and I wasn't about to risk giving pink eye to any of my friends (I like to try to keep my friends happy). So, after much deliberation, it was decided I would stay home with the kids.  Oddly, I was a little excited to have a weekend at home sans-Matt.  It was kind of like when your parents go out of town when you were in high school.  Party time! I had gone to the store to get provisions for the weekend and was ready to shut myself in the house for four days. At 5:30p.m., Matt calls me to inform me that he has me booked on a flight that leaves at 7:00 a.m. on Friday morning. What?? I was stress city for the rest of the night.  I rushed through the house trying to get it cleaned and ready for my mom to come and stay there. Also, I had to repack my unpacked suitcase and take care of the kids... so you know, I had very little going on.  Luckily, my fabulous friend Kyle had offered (been forced to volunteer) to take me to the airport in the morning, so he was there to help calm me in my stress induced panic. In the end, the kids were taken care of and I made it to the airport to be on my way to Santa Barbara.

After a ridiculously long day of travel, it was time to go straight to the rehearsal.  I was tired. I hadn't eaten.  I had a massive headache.  I was far from being pleasant, to say the least.  But I tried to put on a good face for Chris. He is one of the only people in that family that I actually like, so I'm trying to maintain his tolerance of me.  The rehearsal dinner was at a winery.  Did I mention that I hadn't eaten all day? Wine was not the best idea.  I knew that.  I tried to stay away, but temptation was too great.  One glass turned into many, and by the time we were leaving, I was drinking straight from the bottle.  Classy, right? I am amazed that I made it back to the hotel in one piece.  I did have a mystery bump on my forehead the next morning, so I guess not entirely in one piece. All in all, the rehearsal was beautiful... what I can remember of it.

Why do I tell you of my drunken stupidity? Because you need to understand that when I woke up at 6:30 the next morning, my head was throbbing. More so from the bump I got than the wine, but still... throbbing. And no one is awake. And I'm bored.  So I walked around the resort... for HOURS.  I literally had nothing to do.  While every other normal person was sleeping off their hangovers, I was walking off mine.  At least it was a beautiful place to walk, right?

Finally, after a day of walking, it was time for the wedding.  I am not a fancy person. I don't typically dress up.  But I clean up good, don't you think? Matt doesn't look too bad either. The wedding was absolutely beautiful.  I can't even describe how amazing it was to be on top of a cliff, over looking the ocean, at sunset.  It was absolutely gorgeous.  And cold! But I can forget about how freezing it was to remember how cute the bride and groom were as they said their vows. Oh, and I did keep checking out the best man... he was a total hottie. The only downside to the cold was that that cutie of a best man did get the rings stuck on his fingers.  Luckily it was only for a moment before he was able to give them to the bride and groom.  So, hooray! The wedding went perfectly... now it was time to party!

Have you ever watched those ridiculous weddings on TV where you say to yourself, "how much did all of that craziness cost?!" That was this wedding.  There was a never ending flow of food, flowers, cake, and most importantly alcohol. The bride changed outfits three times.  Each dress was more extravagant than the last.  It was crazy.  I now know that I've been sucking up to the right brother, though, if he's got that kind of money! Once again I drank so much that I couldn't remember the end of the evening.  Really, I shouldn't be allowed anywhere near an open bar. All in all, it was a blast though, and I'm glad that I was able to catch a flight out there in time.  The nicest thing said to me was from the groom: "Jaime, we were so sad when we thought you weren't coming to the wedding.  You're more of family to me than some of my own family." Isn't he sweet? Of course we were both really drunk at that point, but I'll take the compliment anyway.

Fortunately, Sunday was relatively calm.  More walking for me, because I really don't ever sit still. However, at the end of the day, I walked back to where the wedding had been the evening before and got to watch the most beautiful sunset.  It was a peaceful end to a great weekend, so I will share it with you.

 

When good friends go bad

I try  to be a patient person.  I know it's not one of my strengths, but I work at it.  However, twhen people try to take advantage of that patience, I kinda go a little Hulk-like. Let me share why I am starting to get a little green...

It's Tuesday night.  I had late meetings at work.  I'm exhausted.  I made plans to relax at the house while drinking a few beers and doing nothing.  It's one of my favorite ways to spend an evening.  I was really looking forward to it.  5:00- my friend Katie texts me asking if I want to go out with her that night.  I tried to pull the whole I'm too tired, but she was not thwarted. Finally she pulls the trump card: "you're going out of town and by the time you get back I'll have moved.  This is our last time to hang out." Guilt much? So I agree to meet her for an hour or so at 6:30.  6:40 I'm sitting at the bar.  Alone.  I get a text.  "Haven't left yet, waiting on Rebecca to get ready." Ummm, so I guess Rebecca is coming too? So much for our last chance to hang out together.  6:45 text from Katie "just left. Andrea should be there at 7:30." Ok, I guess this is turning into a party.  Good thing I rearranged MY plans for YOU. Grr. 7:00 "Just got to JoAnn's. This is taking forever!" Why are you going to the fabric store when you were supposed to meet me half an hour ago?! 7:37 she and Rebecca (who despises me, by the way and did not say one word to me while there) finally arrive.  They also let me know that they stopped at OfficeMax and Target along the way.  Seriously? What kind of friend is this that leaves me sitting alone at a bar for over an hour? The good thing is that her delay allowed me to catch up with other friends via text message and make new friends while chatting with my waitress.

This brings us to today's story. I run a mommy group.  I love my mommy group.  I also have a lot of rules so that I don't get pissed off by the mommy group. For example: we have to have more than four members attending an event or the event gets canceled.  Also, you cannot change your RSVP for an event within twelve hours of the event.  These rules seem common sense to me.  I put a lot of time and effort into this group.  It's not worth my time if no one is going to show up.  It's also quite rude if you cancel to anything last minute.  I mean, would you expect a guy to call you back if you canceled a date thirty minutes before he was supposed to pick you up? If so, you must be really hot or delusional.  Anyway, as of last night, we had ten people coming to the craft event today (we were having the kids make Thanksgiving cards). I really dislike craft events.  They are stressful. I would have loved to cancel this event, but looking at last night's RSVPs I had no justification to do so.  By the time I got up this morning,  the list was down to seven.  Ok, still not low enough to cancel.  And I really wanted to cancel.  Thomas was being a lunatic this morning.  He had a tantrum at EVERYTHING.  The last thing I wanted to do was get him in the car, shop for the craft supplies, get to our event, set up the craft, and deal with mommy group people. But I did.  Our event was set to start at 10:30.  At 10:00 (as I'm in the checkout line to buy the craft supplies) three more people canceled.  Are you keeping track? Yeah, that puts us down to four members. I could have canceled the event! I couldn't now because it's 10:00! Most of the remaining people would have left their houses already. Arrrrgggghhhh! Oh, and meanwhile, Thomas is SCREAMING. The whole time.  Ok, not the whole time.  Every few minutes he would stop to slap his sister so that I could get them both screaming at once. I was in just a bit of a bad mood to say the least. So this is the email I sent to the group: