Let me preface this by saying that when I started blogging, it was my intention to stay away from two topics because they are often hot button issues for me: my father and my faith. I will now steer headfirst into both.
Growing up, my family was what you would probably consider the typical Christian family. Well, maybe more than that. My dad was a pastor when I was born, but left the ministry by the time I was five. So, needless to say, I had a bit of a better understanding of Christianity than the typical Sunday church goer. However, as I grew up, I took the teachings of my parents and developed my own faith. I read, took classes and made my own decisions. While I won't go off on that diatribe now, the people who have heard it will mostly tell you that my faith is not of that of a typical Christian though still falls in line with the basic teachings of the Bible.
Recently, my father went bat-shit crazy. That is quite possibly the nicest way to put it. He has left his marriage of 35 years. He has disowned his son. He is living with some new family. He refuses to speak to any of his brothers. I could go on and on about the out of character things my father has done, but perhaps I'll save that for another blog. I think the one thing that has affected me the most is the fact that he now says he is agnostic. Most people don't understand why THIS is the factor I'm concentrating on. I've tried to come up with an analogy so that perhaps I can give clarity as to why his loss of faith has been one of the biggest life changers for me:
Most kids learn how to drive from their parents. They teach the rules of the road plus general driving techniques. As you grow as a driver, you get comfortable with the way the road feels and learn to make choices of your own until they way you drive, while based in your parents' teaching, is your own driving. Now imagine that you've been driving for at least 20 years and your instructor comes to you and laughs in your face about the way you drive. They tell you that the way they taught you was completely wrong. This is a person whose opinion you respect (or once did). This is a person who you thought was steering you down the right path. Now they tell you that blinkers are, in fact, optional? That passing on the left is only for suckers?
I know the analogy isn't perfect, but last night while on the phone with my father, he literally laughed at my faith. The faith that he instilled in me. Have I been driving on my own without a crash for quite some time? Absolutely. Do I still feel shaken by that fact that somehow this man who explained to me how the clutch worked and why it was important is now telling me to grind the gears? Umm, yeah!
I still have my faith. I love my faith. It is, and will forever be, a part of who I am. However, I feel just a tad tainted by the idea that the founder of my faith is now dropping cones hoping I crash.
I have different religious beliefs than my parents, so I can't directly relate to what you're saying. But I would find what he did to you to be psychologically detrimental to say the least.
ReplyDeleteI also find it surprising that he would do a total 180 on everything that he's know. Normally you wouldn't think that midlife crises would be this abrupt and violent.
Hopefully he figures it out hun or, at the very least, will just leave you and your faith alone, as that's a very personal matter and no one should try to sway you one way or another.