The month of Sara

Ok, one of the many reasons I have not posted recently is because I've had a secret.  Every time I've sat down at my computer, all I've wanted to do is write about this but couldn't until Sara was in on the secret too.  My secret probably doesn't seem all to exciting, but the fact that I was able to keep absolutely anything from Sara as long as I did is a minor miracle.

For anyone who may not know, May is the month of Sara.  Yes, she is one of the only people that call it that, but we let her have it anyway.  It makes her so happy.  I knew I had to do something awesome for her.  She's one of my dearest friends, and I think that when you're as awesome as she is, it's important that people show you how appreciated you are.  Also what you need to know about Sara is that she LOVES Pearl Jam.  (I may be understating that a little.)

About six months ago, I made a dinosaur blanket for Sara's daughter Avery.  It was a huge hit with Avery.  At that point, Sara started telling me that I needed to make her a Pearl Jam blanket.  The wheels in my head started turning.  How was I going to pull that off? It's not like I can go to the store and buy Pearl Jam fabric. 

After about 2 months, I fin ally had a rough idea of what I was going to do.  I could make a quilt.  Unfortunately, I needed information.  What were her favorite songs? What were her favorite albums? If I put images or lyrics on this quilt, what would she most want to see? I tried to enlist her husband and many of our friends to somehow get information while still being sneaky. I got nowhere.  So, one night I just started asking her.  Luckily for me Sara 1. had had several beers at this point and 2. is ALWAYS willing to tell you what she thinks about Pearl Jam.  I want everyone to realize here that I must really love Sara because it was at this point that I willingly watched a Pearl Jam concert DVD.  I got all the information I needed as Sara rambled on and on about her favorite songs and why different things were meaningful to her.

It was finally time to get working.  Please know I am NOT artistic.  Here's the rough sketch of what I was going to make:

That turned into this:

  

Then this:

 

Then my awesome friend Kyle got a hold of my files and made them AWESOME.  Seriously, this couldn't have been done without him. I mean, the squares looked fine when I did them, but Kyle made it look like a professional had made them.  I sent the files to print, and the rest was easy.

 Here is the finished product:

I had this finished 3 weeks ago.  It has been eating away at me for that entire time! I have wanted to tell Sara and show her, because I was just so excited about how it turned out.  Finally, I was able to give her the blanket.  

Pretty sure her grin means that she likes it. 

Stitches

It was almost exactly a year ago that I started having a nervous breakdown.  Why? I found out I was having a second child.  Let me tell you that even before I took that pregnancy test, I knew it was going to be a girl.  I had flashbacks to my entire childhood of my older brother torturing me and just wept at what lay in store for me and my kids.  I felt bad for Thomas because he was going to completely lose any one on one time he might have had with me due to this new addition. I felt awful for this new baby because if Thomas was going to be anything like my brother, her life would be full of torment and teasing.  Every time people find out how close in age my two little ones are, they all say the same thing, "Oh how great that they can grow up and be so close!" I always agree, but on the inside I roll my eyes and think, yeah because my brother and I are so close I'm sure it'll be JUST like that.

This week, I finally got a glimpse of what everyone might be talking about.  Friday  morning, Thomas and Iris were playing together.  Iris (who is not 100% stable with her walking) tripped over her own feet and smacked her forehead on the leg of my coffee table.  I was about two feet away so I scooped her up in absolutely no time, but already there was blood everywhere.  Calmly I tried to clean her up and sooth her so that she'd stop crying long enough for me to determine how bad the cut was.  None of my soothing worked.  You know what got my screaming one-year-old to stop? Her brother, standing over my shoulder, making goofy faces at her.  In absolutely no time she was giggling and squirming out of my arms because she had a mission to get back to playing with Thomas. 

It wasn't long before I realized that regardless of her cheerful demeanor, she really needed to get that gash stitched up.  As I sat in the urgent care waiting room, what is my child with the gaping head wound doing? Chasing after her brother who pleads across the entire building, "'mon Iris, 'mon!" The two were inseparable.  I don't really ever want to have to go to urgent care again, but I will say that having the two of them play with each other and laugh like that made the whole experience almost fun.

Iris got her stitches and they both got Popsicles.  Thomas even made sure to thank Iris for the Popsicle as if he knew she was the reason he got to get a treat that day. 

The rest of the day was amazing.  The two of them played and laughed together.  Thomas kept making sure he gave her kisses on her boo-boo.  You can even tell the difference in Iris as to when Thomas is there and when he's not. The photo on the left, Thomas was taking a nap.  The photo on the right, Thomas was once again standing behind me trying desperately to get his baby sister to laugh. 

So, while I wish we could've avoided stitches for a few more years at least, I am so glad that this week showed me how great having two kids really can be and how much fun is in store for the next many years!

Why I've been MIA

I know it's been a while since I've blogged, been on twitter, or really done anything at all, so I figured I'd give an explanation as to why. Off and on since I was 14, I've had times where I have battled with depression (I've never fully understood that expression.  If it's a battle, I need to sign up for combat training). Anyway, one of the reasons why I work so hard to try and find the positives in life is that my natural tendency is to let life bring me down so badly that I'm often suicidal.  That's really not easy for me to admit.  However, this is what I've learned about my mental stability over the last few weeks.  I don't have to be strong on my own.  The reason I've been absent from the computer is because I've made sure I've filled my time with friends.  Real people who I can interact with. 
They're why I've survived the past month.  I'm finally being honest with these friends.  I'm no longer wearing the mask that says I'm ok while quietly going crazy on the inside.  Honestly, I've been terrified all my adult life that if people knew what I was really thinking, I would lose friends.  The most amazing thing about the friends I have: I have gotten better support than I could've even begun to dream of.  Not one of them treated me like I needed to go on meds or see a therapist.  They treated me exactly as they always have (mostly with making fun of me, drinking a few beers and laughing at ridiculous things in all of our lives).
I can't say that I'm 100% better, but I'm working with my doctor now to try and find a solution so that I'm not feeling like I'm going to crack any more. I know things are on their way up, and while I still have bad days they are getting farther and farther apart.  So for my wonderful friends (and you know who you are) thanks for keeping me sane, thanks for being you, and thanks for helping me find my way back.